BY REV FR GERALD NWAFOR
The textbook definition of anger, according to Oxford Dictionary, is a basic, intense emotional state involving a strong, uncomfortable, and non-cooperative response to perceived provocation, hurt, unfair treatment, or threats. It ranges from mild annoyance to intense rage and functions as a survival mechanism, often activating the “fight or flight” response. This explanation may not be complete, relatively, because people feel pain and passion differently, but we can all agree with one thing: in the presence of anger, human beings respond differently. Therefore, you can choose how to respond to the object of anger.
I have read many works on anger; I have also written about anger in different tabloids. I have frequently spoken about anger when I had the microphone. The one person whose advice on anger did not escape my thoughts was Buddha, the grandfather and founder of Buddhism. He said, “Anger is like a cup of poison which you drink and expect another person to die.” He made two salient points. The first is that anger is poisonous and should be avoided. Nobody would like to drink a cup of poison. Even the church warned us about the poisonous chalice. If anger is a cup filled with poison, we should try so hard to avoid it. The second point that Buddha pointed out is death. No one would like to be killed by another, and we are not expected to kill ourselves (suicide). Therefore, if you are expecting to kill another or you act based on anger, you are committing a crime against God, the state, and yourself.
The presence of anger diminishes the power to think, focus, and act properly. A simple example of how anger can destroy a person is manifested in a simple analogy. If you have a cup of water, which weighs about 8oz, you can hold your cup of water for an hour or two, talking and dancing. But if you are required to hold your cup of water for the whole day? Think about the consequences. The cup grows heavy, the hand stiffens, the arm cramps. There might be paralysis and permanent damage to the hand and to some parts of the body.
In the same way, when you are angry and you have not forgiven and moved on, that intense emotional state will start to hurt your whole body, and your arms start seeking revenge that may never happen. The mind gets weary and agitated, and the brain gets foggy; action and thoughts are impaired, and you become depressed and disorganized. The fastest way of stopping this slippery slope into self-destruction is to make peace with yourself first and accept the situation. The second step is to invite the object of anger into discussion, but not for confrontation, which may lead to more anger. Or avoid it if it is something not within your power or control.
When you are angry, do not speak, do not act, be calm, and process what is happening. Years back, it was in my philosophy class that I realized that I should not act when I am in crisis (In dubio non facere). Recently, I added to that my repertoire “In anger do not act.” Many people have come to regret what they did in anger, and an apology cannot take away the pain of a friend’s revenge. Our people say that the murderer realizes his act, but in the evening time (Ona edo onye ochu mana obu na mgbede). When you are so angry that you kill your brother, everyone runs away from you. When the evening comes, and there is no one to discuss your daily plans and challenges, you will realize that you acted out of anger.
As a Christian, I may advise you to act out of compassion and forgiveness, but what of the non-Christians and atheists? I have spoken to some organizations about anger, where mentioning God would be anathema. I have concluded that time heals everything. Give that anger and its object some space and time. Do not respond immediately. When you act immediately, you are weaponizing the anger. You are using anger as a tool. So, to the people who do not want to discuss God or religion, we use time and space.
Anger should not be the motivating factor of your action; if it is, the result will not be palatable since that result is a fruit of a poisoned tree. Remember that passion has two sides (love and anger). If you choose the side of love, it brings compassion and forgiveness, but if you choose the side of anger, it brings revenge and hate. We are not discussing love today, but we can bring it on since the source of anger could also be the source of love. If anger from passion could destroy you, it means that love from passion could build and heal you, too. In medical science, they said that antibacterial medicines are made from the bacteria themselves, which means that what is killing you can also help in healing you.
Finally, anger is a cancer that should be avoided. If you have a daughter or son who brings out the anger in you, invite her/him for a civil discussion. I do not want to tell you that your son is being raised in the global world. But do not think you are the only teacher and parent in today’s world. With the advent of Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and many other social media platforms, people make friends all over the world and can attend school from anywhere in the world. So do not be so angry with your kids that you would allow the anger to dictate to you how to approach them. Listen to their own part of the story. They may have something to contribute. On the other hand, if the object of anger is not within your power, simply avoid it. I stopped watching television for almost two years because I discovered that all the television networks are politically driven and managed, so the twisted stories, the lies, they kill stories that do not align with their goal. So I decided to call it quits so I can have peace.
It is the same thing as a flight. When you sit down with the object to discuss, you have engaged in a civil fight that will heal the anger.
Therefore, you can choose to fight or flight but do not engage in revenge or vendetta. Anger should not be carried out for so long because it can destroy you and your plans. When you are angry, take time to understand what is going on, process it, give it time, and if possible, discuss your situation with a second person who has more understanding of how life works. Not all advice will be sought. Choose wisely.
